THE MANAGEMENT, SOUL GUIDE ALLOCATION DIVISION
DAVID ALAN KING, SOUL GUIDE LEVEL 2
Operational Status, Active, Unsupervised, Persistently Present
Designation, The Least Unsuitable
If you are currently selecting a Soul Guide for your afterlife orientation, congratulations, you have already displayed better planning than most of the recently deceased. Please read the following profile with a responsible amount of hope and a small amount of scepticism.
SUMMARY
David Alan King is an active field agent assigned to first contact, initial reassurance, mild existential containment, and the occasional emergency improvisation involving doors that were not there a moment ago.
He is not the most qualified option in this brochure, or any brochure, but he is the one most likely to stay with you when things go strange, and they will.
His success rate is, officially speaking, “not ideal”.
His dedication is, annoyingly, exceptional.
PERFORMANCE INDICATORS
Recorded Success Rate, Low to Moderate
This is partly due to circumstances, partly due to David’s habit of choosing compassion over procedure, and partly due to reality itself being a bit dramatic.
Field Reliability, High
He shows up. Even when the corridor is on fire, even when Management is shouting, even when the universe is doing that thing where it pretends it never met you.
Client Retention, Uncomfortably High
Souls often refuse reassignment after initial contact, citing “feels safe”, “gets it”, and “didn’t make me feel like an idiot”.
Compliance, Variable
He will follow the rules until the rules begin harming you, at which point he becomes extremely polite and completely uncooperative.
WHAT HE OFFERS YOU
A sales pitch is difficult when your product is a slightly scruffy human in a tweed jacket who looks like he has stepped on a plug socket, but here we are.
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Earnest guidance, the kind that does not posture or preach
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Calm in the chaos, even when he is clearly making it up as he goes along
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A sense of being seen, not processed
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Translation services, converting cosmic nonsense into something you can actually live with
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A gentle refusal to let you give up, even when you are very convincing
David will not promise you perfection. He will promise you presence.
BEST SUITED TO
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Newly deceased individuals prone to panic, apology, or existential spirals
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Souls with a long history of “holding it together” until they don’t
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Anyone who wants a guide who feels like a person, not a policy
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Readers who suspect their life meant something, even if it looked like chaos from the outside
KNOWN LIMITATIONS
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Occasionally distractible, easily provoked by injustice and bad signage
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Will attempt humour during sensitive moments, this may result in unexpected relief
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May take personal responsibility for things that are not his fault, including you
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Footwear choices, inconsistent, often absent
TESTIMONIAL EXCERPTS
“I stopped shaking because he didn’t tell me not to.”
“He didn’t fix me, he reminded me I wasn’t broken.”
“I don’t know why it worked, it just did.”
FINAL NOTE FROM MANAGEMENT
To be clear, David Alan King is not the best candidate.
He is, however, the least unsuitable for souls who need something real, something human, and something stubborn enough to stand in front of the dark and say, quite simply, “Not today”.
Selection Recommendation, Approved for those who value sincerity over sparkle. Warning, choosing David may result in unexpected personal growth.